The moment I have been waiting for most of my life (and especially in the last 5 years) is finally here. School is out. Class is no longer in session. And it won’t ever be again, unless I choose for it to be that way.
I have taken my first week off to reflect and take some time for myself. In this time, I have been thinking a lot about things such as choice, time, the future, and the present.
Time is such a crazy thing that I am currently working through in my mind. Time is something that I feel I need to grieve, but also celebrate. I am struggling with quantifying the amount of time I have “lost” in the last several years by giving my days away to school but also celebrating the fact that this time lost, this was all opportunity cost and I now have something of incredible value. To be honest, I didn’t see ( or care for) the value of my degree while in school working on it, but now that I’ve finished I do recognize the value.
I have lived a lot of my life according to what others wanted me to do, what they wanted me to accomplish, and who they wanted me to become. Up until this point, I felt that I could not make my own choices (and please note by choices I don’t mean what I wear, eat, any of that regular daily stuff, I mean career paths, major life choices, etc) but now that I have begrudgingly given my life to make sure I have satisfied the wants of my family, now I am free to make my own choices. And these choices are so, so scary. And for some reason, I feel like there’s a rush for me to hurry up and make them. My relationship with time and choice is so harrowing.
Part of me wants to take a year for myself and relax – to heal the mental anguish that was upon me during school. Part of me also wants me to hit the ground running and set career goals and start focusing on them. I wish there was enough time to do both.
For now, I’m settling with short-term goals. I don’t even see my life until after I return from my graduation trip to the Bahamas. I am going to take that time to relax by the beach, to drink pina coladas and to think without the distractions of my every day life. Today, as I sit here typing this, I am in the mall as I accepted to come in on my day off and work a few hours. This day was supposed to be one to get myself up for the next week, to do some reading, to do some lounging in bed, to journal. I realize I have to unplug myself from my life in order to make any progress. I’ll unplug in the Caribbean.
For now, I am going to focus on the one thing I know and always have known that I want. This.
I am working with my web designer again and Henderson and I are going to give this blog a facelift. I am also investing in other projects to enhance TAA.
I know I have said before that I would focus on my blog and be dedicated and hold up to my uploading schedule but school… it does something to me. Something I can’t quite explain. It filters the world with a haze. I can’t see past the fog. It’s like having writer’s block last several years. But the veil is being lifted. The fog is thinning. The world is thawing.